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It's an inn here in town. It's possible that the number called him and it was a wrong number and he called it back to see who it was.

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ORIGINAL: bolt.

This is a really good place for you to come for both support and advice (and occasional confrontation), however to get the best advantage, you are probably going to have to make your postings easier to read. One giant paragraph is hard going! Try breaking it up a little, and asking specific questions. You'll get more answers that way.

Thank you. I edited my first post a bit to try to break it up some. I'm actually a pretty good writer, but when emotions are so strong I guess I don't work as hard at being grammatically correct, etc.

My advice for now focuses on how you are dealing with your husband's decision to smoke cigarettes. It is very important that you stop focusing on such a small thing. It's an unpleasant choice, but by trying to use your emotions to blackmail your husband into quitting you are putting much bigger things at risk.

I know you are right. My logical brain knows this. The rest of my brain wants the logical side to shut up. I'm really trying to let it go. He knows how much I dislike it. I know that I cannot force him to do something or not do something. I really wish he would want to quit because it's something that's so important to me. The old husband would have - with no hesitation.

If you are concerned about his truthfulness, you need to give the impression that you welcome him, 'warts and all' and that he is good enough for you, even if he smokes. This will help him feel free to be honest with you, rather than fearful that you will become upset or say things that make him feel like he is not good enough to be married to you.

Again, I know that you are correct. The problem is, is that I really cannot accept him smoking. I just cannot. I'm not saying that I would divorce him for smoking (which I am ashamed to admit that I have threatened that - to try to scare him into quitting. It didn't work obviously!) I feel so strongly about it I can guarantee you that if I happened to see him smoking somewhere I would cry.

Lies and outbursts of rage are sins, and it is not the right plan to do nothing about it. However, there are 2 diffferent processes for you to respond with. Has your husband entrusted himself to Jesus? If he has, there is a process to lovingly confront his sins. If he has not, there are other factors involved, as to whether he is breaking his marriage vows. Please let me know, so I can give you the right set of advice.

This is a hard question to answer. We go to church, and only because he finally said that he wanted to start going. It wasn't because I wanted to go, it was because an elderly man he knows has been inviting him for a long time. I'll take what I can get! After we were married, I started dragging him to church and he finally did become a Christian and we were both baptized etc. Do I believe that he has truly entrusted himself to Jesus? No. But I could be wrong.

His outburst was wrong, but in it he showed you his heart and how you are wounding him by acting like his own personal minor indescression police officer.

I can see what you are saying. However, I don't know how I'm supposed to just let him get away with lying to me. We have talked about this and I asked him to promise not to lie to me anymore and he does it anyway. He still didn't admit to buying more beer than he had originally told me. I don't know if he thinks I believed him or not since we stopped talking about it.

It would be like you trying to live with your mother in law, who (in this imaginary scenario) cares deeply about your health, and constantly quizzes you about how many green veggies you've eaten and how many you intend to eat, and when and where you are going to buy them. Meanwhile you are trying to parent your kids, do everything that needs to be done, and you really are ready to pop her head off if you hear another word about veggies from the woman... not because it isn't true that green veggies are wonderful and we should all be eating more of them... but because her constant intrusion into your personal decisions is not a helpful or heathy way for adults to interact with each other.

At this point your relationship is not strong enough for anything productive to come out of trying to talk to him about the random phone number. However, if because of this (or other reasons) you have a genuine suspicion as to his faithfulness, you don't need to pretend to yourself that you are not having those suspicions, and you don't need to close your eyes to any evidence. If on the other hand, you are not suspicious, there is nothing particularly allarming about him having recieved and made a phone call to a local inn.

I checked his phone again to make sure I had the number right, and I didn't, thank goodness. The actual number is a local cell phone number. The only reason I find it suspicious is because most people he calls on his cell phone are people from work and they are programmed into the phone. This one was not. I've tried calling it by using *67 to block my number from their caller id. This is what I usually do because either the person answers or they have a voice mail message and I recognize the person's voice, hang up and then don't worry about it. This person, however, has not set up their voice mail and they aren't answering the phone so I still don't have any idea who it is. Yes, I am suspicious. My husband seems to be a pathological lier and it bothers me. He will lie to people about things that he doesn't need to lie about at all. I don't understand it.

Often times he will make offhanded comments (when the subject comes up) that when a woman doesn't give her husband sex, she shouldn't be surprised when he cheats on her. This worries me because like I've expressed, I was very lax in that department for a long time. It's almost like he's making excuses for people who cheat, like "oh, they probably weren't getting it at home." This was my first clue that he was smoking. Where he used to say that smoking was nasty, all of a sudden he would say "Oh, my Grandpa has been a smoker all his life and he's fine." and "One once in a while isn't that bad." Am I making sense?

Yes, you should have an emergency fund, in case his sin against you becomes unrepentant and intollerable. You can do things like saving your spending or household money, and you can also do other things like applying for a new credit card in both of your names, then conveinently forget to give him his copy of the card and hope he forgets about the application, or secure overdraft protection for your joint bank account(s) -- if they are not joint accounts, work to get them that way.

I am surprised at this. I expected people to tell me that by saving up money "just in case" that I already had one foot out the door or something. We do have a joint bank account. I will consider the things you have mentioned.

Since you are reading up on this, I'm going to strongly reccomend the books "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend. They are critical to situations like yours.

Thank you for your recommendations. I will check them out as soon as I get done reading the ones I just bought.

Keep praying, of course, and try to be as involved in the Word and the fellowship of other believers as you can.

I kind of had an epiphany this morning. It occurred to me that this whole situation may be God's way of drawing us back to him. We had both begun to stray from him, my husband more than myself I think. I have been drawing much closer to God in recent weeks. Sometimes I have to stop in my day to pray or I can't get through the next 15 minutes. For example, last night, my husband was drinking again (he didn't drink on Monday). He bought 2 24 oz beers from the store. He also had 2 12 oz beers left over in an ice chest from the weekend. I was really hoping he would drink those, but when he went and got them and put them in the freezer to chill, I had to go to the other room to pray. It was the only way I could gain the peace and strength not to say anything to him about it.

Don't get me wrong, my husband does great things. He never complains about money I spend, ever. This past weekend, I was sick and he made dinner one night so that I wouldn't have to. He cleaned up the house while I was at the doctor. I was totally surprised, because that isn't something he would have done in recent months. He has been spending more time with the children and picks fights with me less often. I can see that the changes I have made in myself ARE bringing out changes in him, but it's SLOW going. I need encouragement when I start to feel frustrated. This weekend, with the lie about the beer I was feeling so frustrated I was thinking "why do I even try? He doesn't care about me. He just wants to do whatever he wants and wants me to shut up. etc etc."

It was probably Satan putting these thoughts in my head. I have considered the possibility that Satan is putting these temptations in front of my husband because he KNOWS how they will drive us apart. I have expressed this to my husband, but he didn't say much about it.

Thank you so much for your advice. I can't wait to read what you have to say next - I like what you have told me so far.

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ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

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It's an inn here in town. It's possible that the number called him and it was a wrong number and he called it back to see who it was.

*The inn called
... does someone at the inn has his phone number for some reason? Is he a construction worker or builder etc. (By work phone I'm taking that to mean a cell phone correct?)

Yes, his work phone is a cell phone. Please see my update above about the phone number.

The marriage is less than 10 years old and you birthed 4 children and you are 27...
that's a platter load of responsibilities you both have on yourselves! Then your father was terminally ill and died, stress and more stress... Not only on you but on your husband as well(he was working two jobs!)
You also married young and when you add that into the mix... it's a LOT to deal with!
From where I'm standing... looking into your marriage... I see young people who have undertaken a heavy task(perhaps so much that the weight of it is causing burn out in your husband and he`s acting out) and the strain is wearing on both of you.

You are correct. We are both under a lot of stress.

Questions, questions...
Do you have a good base of family(either side or relation) and friend support, positive influences, are you Christians etc. < I would encourage both of you to get help and soon!
If he won`t go then you go... the only person you can change is you and learn to change how you respond to him when things are going wrong.

I have a couple of good friends who are strong Christians whom I can go for advice or to pray with me. My husband really only has one or two friends whom he spends time with outside of work. I don't know much about one, but he seems like an OK guy. I like his wife. They don't go to church. The other is the husband of a good friend of mine, who used to be my step-sister back in high school. She goes to church but he doesn't. His parents are alcoholics and he also drinks a lot. The two guys usually drink too much when they get together, but I guess it's better than them running off to a bar or something!

I have begun praying with the kids at bedtime. I started this yesterday. My husband did not join us. I'm wondering how long it will take him to decide that he should take part in this. I am determined not to pressure him.

I have also begun to make small comments (ONLY when they are about myself) when I do something that is not Christian-like, verbally recognizing that I shouldn't have said/done it. I just want to kind of plant the seed without pushing him.

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The problem is, is that I really cannot accept him smoking. I just cannot. I'm not saying that I would divorce him for smoking (which I am ashamed to admit that I have threatened that - to try to scare him into quitting. It didn't work obviously!) I feel so strongly about it I can guarantee you that if I happened to see him smoking somewhere I would cry.

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Do I believe that he has truly entrusted himself to Jesus? No. But I could be wrong.

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I don't know how I'm supposed to just let him get away with lying to me.

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Yes, I am suspicious. My husband seems to be a pathological lier and it bothers me. He will lie to people about things that he doesn't need to lie about at all. I don't understand it.

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I am surprised at this. I expected people to tell me that by saving up money "just in case" that I already had one foot out the door or something.

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I had to go to the other room to pray. It was the only way I could gain the peace and strength not to say anything to him about it.

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It was probably Satan putting these thoughts in my head. I have considered the possibility that Satan is putting these temptations in front of my husband because he KNOWS how they will drive us apart.

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I have begun praying with the kids at bedtime. I started this yesterday. My husband did not join us. I'm wondering how long it will take him to decide that he should take part in this. I am determined not to pressure him.

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when I do something that is not Christian-like, verbally recognizing that I shouldn't have said/done it. I just want to kind of plant the seed without pushing him.

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ORIGINAL: bolt.

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Yes, I am suspicious. My husband seems to be a pathological lier and it bothers me. He will lie to people about things that he doesn't need to lie about at all. I don't understand it.

Are you currently suspicious that he is involved with another woman, being unfaithful to your marriage, or are you saying that you are just generally suspicious of his level of truthfulness most of the time?

Mostly, I'm generally suspicious of his level of truthfulness most of the time. The thoughts that he could be unfaithful flit through my mind, but I don't think he's unfaithful right now. I don't think he's been unfaithful in the past, but I guess I wouldn't be surprised if I found out he had been.


There may be a time and place to speak to your husband about alcohol addiction, but it certainly wouldn't be while he was drinking, or setting up to do so. (If your husband is frequently drunk, that's another thing that goes with the rage and lies on the list of things that are violations against you... do you think he is an alcoholic, or do you think he drinks recreationally and in a controlled manner most of the time?)

He has alcoholic tendencies. He doesn't drink much - he averages around 4 a day. The thing is, it's difficult for him to go a day without it, and if he has a lot in the fridge, he can't not drink it all. He feels like he HAS to have it to relax. I do not think he could/would control it very well if I were not in charge of our finances.

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It was probably Satan putting these thoughts in my head. I have considered the possibility that Satan is putting these temptations in front of my husband because he KNOWS how they will drive us apart.

That may be accurate... have you thought about the possibility of this being a factor in your extraordinary reaction against smoking?

No, I have not. The reason is I have felt this way about smoking for the last decade. Of course, when my father became ill with lung cancer it got worse.

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I have begun praying with the kids at bedtime. I started this yesterday. My husband did not join us. I'm wondering how long it will take him to decide that he should take part in this. I am determined not to pressure him.

It is important that you wrap your head around the idea that your relationship with God and faithfulness to His calling regarding your children are your business (good job, by the way... try getting them to pray that God bless mom & dad... their prayers are heard)... however, there is no reason that your spiritual growth means that your husband is in the same phase. In fact, you have said that he is very likely not even a believer.

Why then do you imagine, and plan to wait with frustration for months on end 'to decide he should take part in this'? He is not likely to ever make that choice... and if he does, it will probably be years. You need to do more than be determined not to pressure him... you need to be content with your own choices completely regardless of whatever he chooses.

When you are trying not to pressure your husband, try to imagine that you live with a female room-mate with kids of her own. If you one day decided that you were going to take Christian life more seriously, beginning to mend your ways and pray with your kids... would you seriously think, "Hey, I should probably pressure her to do the same!" Not really, right? You'd pretty much think that she could do what she thought was OK parenting, even if you want to do a better job yourself.

Would it be frustrating for you to pray with your kids every night just becasue you know that your imaginary room-mate isn't? Would it be any trouble for you to let her deal with her own choices as she saw fit? Would you be desparate and worried if she wasn't beginning to mend her ways right when you were?

I see what you're saying. I'm trying NOT to pressure him. I don't ask him to participate at all. He did pray with our daughter on his own accord on the third night, and hasn't done it since. That's fine. You're right, he has to make his own choices about his Christian life, because I know if I make those decisions for him, he will be more likely to go back to where he was later. Does that make sense?

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ORIGINAL: wifeandmomof3

The sudden start of smoking is eerily similar to my situation with my husband, which I discussed in "Unconditional Love" (my husband began smoking cigars). I too found it odd and alarming after over nine years of marriage and children (we have three) to suddenly take up such a habit.

That aside, I think you have done a lot of what I did right away: refocus on what I was doing as a wife, try harder to be a good wife and mother, look to deepen my relationship with Christ, and bite my tongue when it came to criticizing my husband. For me, it has worked very well.

It seems like your husband is dealing with multiple vices right now, although maybe he did give up the smoking. If he is drinking too much, and if he was indeed unfaithful, he has a lot to work through. You can only decide for yourself what you are willing to put up with or not.

Unless he crosses the line that is a deal-breaker for you, I think the best thing you can do is just keep working on your path of building your faith, and restoring your family. Be kind and loving to your husband, even on days that you don't feel like it. Be supportive. If the urge to criticize comes to mind, bite your tongue. I've heard two cliches said that actually help me, "would you rather be right, or would you rather be married," and "Is this the hill you want to die on." When I'm thinking about bringing up something that troubles me, or criticize my husband, I think "is this the hill I want to die on?" meaning, of course, my marriage to die-not me physically. The answer is always "no" and it helps me to bite my tongue when I clear this up in my own head. The same is true in the midst of a disagreement with the other phrase, maybe my husband is telling me about something really inconsequential, but inaccurate, and I find myself wanting to argue, I think "do I want to be right, or do I want to be married." This helps me A LOT! I spent a lot of the first part of my marriage telling my husband what should and shouldn't be done or how certain things he wanted to do were unrealistic. I thought I was always supportive because I worked hard to make his career a success, but I could have made his whole life better.

Don't be a doormat, however. Please don't think I'm saying that. But, work on the things you can work on within yourself, and that may be enough to turn everything around.

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ORIGINAL: wifeandmomof3

I didn't realize until recently that I hadn't been such a great wife (not that I was bad, but I had been critical and bossy). It took this moment of panic for me to realize my faults. My gut reaction was that Satan had found a foothold in my husband, but maybe it is God working on me through my husband. Maybe both. I don't know. But, I think I'm on the right track now.