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Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 1:15:55 AM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 62
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I'm not really sure how to word this right but hopefully I can get my point across.... I've always hear that one of the mistakes that women make when meeting a man for the 1st time is that she "opens up" about too much too fast. So I guess my question is: What types of things are appropriate to discuss with a guy and in which stages of the friendship/relationship? I figure that if he's my brother in Christ and is a friend, then I feel comfortable opening about alot of things. BUT, I can see how this could backfire if he is my brother in Christ but also a man that I have romantic interest in?
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 1:22:00 AM
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SavedByGraceMD
Posts: 963
Joined: 2/13/2008
From: the poconos
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Striving2BVirtuous I'm not really sure how to word this right but hopefully I can get my point across.... I've always hear that one of the mistakes that women make when meeting a man for the 1st time is that she "opens up" about too much too fast. So I guess my question is: What types of things are appropriate to discuss with a guy and in which stages of the friendship/relationship? I figure that if he's my brother in Christ and is a friend, then I feel comfortable opening about alot of things. BUT, I can see how this could backfire if he is my brother in Christ but also a man that I have romantic interest in? Well I am an open person, and I like it when the lady I am with feels comfortable enough to share some thins with me, even if it is a first date. I would say the only things that are a little off limits to me early on, would be marriage, and details about the plans you have for it. Children... as in you saying, "hey I want to have 6 kids or more, what about you". And past relationships. Especially if they were worldly relationships. But other than that, to me all else is fair game. And if you are friends first, or have been talking for a while online, then maybe it is ok to share the stuff I just talked about.
_____________________________
Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not for I am with you, Do not be dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" http://followtheleader-mat1624.blogspot.com/
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 9:54:38 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2728
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I heard this some time ago, so I'm not sure how accurate I got it but you'll get the idea. Stranger - no personal information; talk about the weather, the commute and how the local sports teams are doing. Acquaintance - give your name, the area you live in, what you do for a living Casual friend - all of the above plus your hobbies, basic family info (you're single/married/number of kids), where you work Friend - all of the above plus opinions about subjects and beliefs, phone number and contact info Close friend - all of the above plus your deep beliefs, strong opinions, what you think, info about personal things like family problems and struggles. Married - all of the above plus complete access to your heart, mind, body and soul. So when a woman meets a man for the first time, they are strangers. If they click, they slowly moved down the list. Hope that helps.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language. Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it. Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 12:47:04 PM
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jn1010lf
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Hello Striving2BVirtuous I suppose it's up to you how open you want to be about any subject. I would certainly not divulge deeply personal things. It also depends in what attitude your speak of yourself. If one can joke about themselves, it's safe to divulge a lot of personal things. But certainly don't embarrass yourself. Stay cool and in control.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 2:23:25 PM
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gralan
Posts: 2272
Joined: 1/29/2010
From: RV in Texas
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Deermousie, part of what I read in your list there, which you provided us, I'm running through a filter and it seems to wash well. Strive2Bvirtuous and others! hey there. I picked it up in the military, and it serves me well in my private life as well as ministry to real people. There comes a time when a "need to know" basis must be established. It isn't whether or not some information is good to tell others, but often problems are avoided if we talk with God about this other person's "need to know" certain things about us and our walk of faith. Need to know is not a category we can use in our relationship with God. God knows it already, so being authentic means walking in that light. Peace to you as you walk by the Spirit, just as you live by the Spirit. quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie I heard this some time ago, so I'm not sure how accurate I got it but you'll get the idea. Stranger - no personal information; talk about the weather, the commute and how the local sports teams are doing. Acquaintance - give your name, the area you live in, what you do for a living Casual friend - all of the above plus your hobbies, basic family info (you're single/married/number of kids), where you work Friend - all of the above plus opinions about subjects and beliefs, phone number and contact info Close friend - all of the above plus your deep beliefs, strong opinions, what you think, info about personal things like family problems and struggles. Married - all of the above plus complete access to your heart, mind, body and soul. So when a woman meets a man for the first time, they are strangers. If they click, they slowly moved down the list. Hope that helps. Does a person I'm striking up a conversation with need to know where I work? Does someone at church, just because of membership, need to know all of my immediate issues that need to be resolved in my life? Does my spouse have a need to know that I struggle with God for healing certain aspects of myself in our marriage? When does my spouse have a need to know? I believe damage can be done in real ways by providing information to people who may not have a clear "need to know". Everyone can talk about being authentic, and enjoying life. These are good topics. I've found often folks enjoy talking about themselves. Perhaps prompting them to tell their story is a good way to serve Christ and know how to pray for them. It might even spur you to tell others what God is doing in your life. Wow. Cool.
_____________________________
suffering servant, gralan, BTh student TGSAT //TrinityTheology.org/ //freecourses.trinitytheology.org/ The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever...
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 3:12:14 PM
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ForgivenGrace
Posts: 4627
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I am a introvert and when I am around a guy/men/males I become shy. Add to that I did not at all in high school. Guy/men/males is unsual for me unless I am not noticing it which could very well be. I tend to go "inside myself". quote:
ORIGINAL: gralan Deermousie, part of what I read in your list there, which you provided us, I'm running through a filter and it seems to wash well. Strive2Bvirtuous and others! hey there. I picked it up in the military, and it serves me well in my private life as well as ministry to real people. There comes a time when a "need to know" basis must be established. It isn't whether or not some information is good to tell others, but often problems are avoided if we talk with God about this other person's "need to know" certain things about us and our walk of faith. Need to know is not a category we can use in our relationship with God. God knows it already, so being authentic means walking in that light. Peace to you as you walk by the Spirit, just as you live by the Spirit. quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie I heard this some time ago, so I'm not sure how accurate I got it but you'll get the idea. Stranger - no personal information; talk about the weather, the commute and how the local sports teams are doing. Acquaintance - give your name, the area you live in, what you do for a living Casual friend - all of the above plus your hobbies, basic family info (you're single/married/number of kids), where you work Friend - all of the above plus opinions about subjects and beliefs, phone number and contact info Close friend - all of the above plus your deep beliefs, strong opinions, what you think, info about personal things like family problems and struggles. Married - all of the above plus complete access to your heart, mind, body and soul. So when a woman meets a man for the first time, they are strangers. If they click, they slowly moved down the list. Hope that helps. Does a person I'm striking up a conversation with need to know where I work? Does someone at church, just because of membership, need to know all of my immediate issues that need to be resolved in my life? Does my spouse have a need to know that I struggle with God for healing certain aspects of myself in our marriage? When does my spouse have a need to know? I believe damage can be done in real ways by providing information to people who may not have a clear "need to know". Everyone can talk about being authentic, and enjoying life. These are good topics. I've found often folks enjoy talking about themselves. Perhaps prompting them to tell their story is a good way to serve Christ and know how to pray for them. It might even spur you to tell others what God is doing in your life. Wow. Cool. ^^^^^^^
_____________________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. ~Dr. Seuss Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 4:02:43 PM
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gralan
Posts: 2272
Joined: 1/29/2010
From: RV in Texas
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Well, it seems we are communicating fairly well, and I am a guy/man/male; I'm also a new creation, which puts me into another category as well. Culture is what it is, and we all grow up in a culture. As new creations, we can hope that we adopt God's cultural habits. This includes who we view each other even in this world. You know, some guys are nice enough and authentic in pursuit of loving God and loving others. Some of us don't even know how to fix cars. I still retreat into myself around some folks. My wife and I can hermit with the best of them. Its good to know things about oneself. Peace to you as you walk with Him, and the rest of us. quote:
ORIGINAL: ForgivenGrace I am a introvert and when I am around a guy/men/males I become shy. Add to that I did not at all in high school. Guy/men/males is unsual for me unless I am not noticing it which could very well be. I tend to go "inside myself". quote:
ORIGINAL: gralan Deermousie, part of what I read in your list there, which you provided us, I'm running through a filter and it seems to wash well. Strive2Bvirtuous and others! hey there. I picked it up in the military, and it serves me well in my private life as well as ministry to real people. There comes a time when a "need to know" basis must be established. It isn't whether or not some information is good to tell others, but often problems are avoided if we talk with God about this other person's "need to know" certain things about us and our walk of faith. Need to know is not a category we can use in our relationship with God. God knows it already, so being authentic means walking in that light. Peace to you as you walk by the Spirit, just as you live by the Spirit. quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie I heard this some time ago, so I'm not sure how accurate I got it but you'll get the idea. Stranger - no personal information; talk about the weather, the commute and how the local sports teams are doing. Acquaintance - give your name, the area you live in, what you do for a living Casual friend - all of the above plus your hobbies, basic family info (you're single/married/number of kids), where you work Friend - all of the above plus opinions about subjects and beliefs, phone number and contact info Close friend - all of the above plus your deep beliefs, strong opinions, what you think, info about personal things like family problems and struggles. Married - all of the above plus complete access to your heart, mind, body and soul. So when a woman meets a man for the first time, they are strangers. If they click, they slowly moved down the list. Hope that helps. Does a person I'm striking up a conversation with need to know where I work? Does someone at church, just because of membership, need to know all of my immediate issues that need to be resolved in my life? Does my spouse have a need to know that I struggle with God for healing certain aspects of myself in our marriage? When does my spouse have a need to know? I believe damage can be done in real ways by providing information to people who may not have a clear "need to know". Everyone can talk about being authentic, and enjoying life. These are good topics. I've found often folks enjoy talking about themselves. Perhaps prompting them to tell their story is a good way to serve Christ and know how to pray for them. It might even spur you to tell others what God is doing in your life. Wow. Cool. ^^^^^^^
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 7:35:05 PM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 62
Joined: 3/15/2008
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By instinct, I am all or nothing type person. I say nothing about myself or I open up like a flooded dam and the other person is like "ok....umm whoa! I didnt want or need to know all of that" My question stems from a friendship that I currently have with a brother in Christ (and yes I have a romantic interest in him and he has communicated that he doesnt see us EVER dating) I tried to pull away but he still wants us to be friends for some reason? Well my issue with him is that he takes this stance: People voluntarily tell you what they want you to know about them. So what did I do? I let the flood gates open and yep....told him my life story. (After knowing him for 1year 1/2) And now I'm feeling resentful because he's not volunteering much of anything. And my stance: If people want to know something about you, they will ask. So I get frustrated with him because he claims he wants us to be friends, but yet he doesnt ask anything and he really doesnt volunteer much. Hence: He feels that our conversations dont flow well. **rubbing my temples** Is it more of a matter perefered communication style for each individual?
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 7:58:17 PM
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jaimestarcross
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quote:
Striving2BVirtuous: *Someone I know said this to me a long time ago... Tell as much about yourself as you would to a gossip columnist. Why should you feel resentful? If he doesn't want to exchange information about himself that's his choice... just because you freely talk about yourself to him doesn't mean he should do likewise. If you have a romantic interest in him and he doesn't ever see the two of you dating... then find someone who's like yourself...open, friendly etc...
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine "A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save." C.S. Lewis
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 8:41:37 PM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 62
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross quote:
Striving2BVirtuous: *Someone I know said this to me a long time ago... Tell as much about yourself as you would to a gossip columnist. Why should you feel resentful? If he doesn't want to exchange information about himself that's his choice... just because you freely talk about yourself to him doesn't mean he should do likewise. If you have a romantic interest in him and he doesn't ever see the two of you dating... then find someone who's like yourself...open, friendly etc... Maybe resentful is a strong word. Maybe its the feeling being vulrnerable. Im not one to share information. And if I do, consider yourself a special person to me and my life. Very select few. But if I do and that person does not do so in return, then I feel as though I have been taken advantage up. Like the person won and got over on me.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/24/2010 10:57:18 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1227
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striving2BVirtuous-- I believe you can learn a valuable lesson from all this... quote:
By instinct, I am all or nothing type person. I say nothing about myself or I open up like a flooded dam and the other person is like "ok....umm whoa! I didnt want or need to know all of that" The bible cautions us to guard our hearts... try being a little more reserved and measure carefully how much you reveal... for instances-- To sweeten a cup of tea, don't dump the whole bag of sugar in it when a teaspoon serving will do; otherwise the cup of tea will be undrinkable.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine "A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save." C.S. Lewis
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/25/2010 8:55:40 PM
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smiley7
Posts: 201
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quote:
And my stance: If people want to know something about you, they will ask. So I get frustrated with him because he claims he wants us to be friends, but yet he doesnt ask anything and he really doesnt volunteer much. Hence: He feels that our conversations dont flow well. **rubbing my temples** Is it more of a matter perefered communication style for each individual? Obviously there are preferred conversation styles but if this guy doesn't ask or volunteer any information might I ask why you like him? You say 'he' feels that your conversations don't flow well--strange that he would say that given the fact that he isn't much of a communicator. Some people are quiet and keep to themselves but there are others who are simply very socially inept. Personally I couldn't be friends with someone who rarely seems interested in anything I have to say and who doesn't allow himself to be vulnerable. What is it that you see in this guy?????
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/26/2010 9:25:45 AM
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buckifn
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First off, if a guy tells you he doesn't see the two of you as being dating material BELIVE HIM. It sounds like you aren't accepting that. By his being honest about it he could be trying to save you from being hurt. This is not directed to you as the op, but in general, if I had a situation such as you described where I had made it clear to the girl I was not interested in dating and she continued pursuing a close relationship I would think 2 things. 1. she isn't very intelligent and 2. she must be a very needy person emotionally. Friendship is a MUTUAL give-take. Anything else is unhealthy imo. The best advice I can give you is surrender your life totally to God and He will direct your paths. He will guide you in your relationships and you will know what to say and what not to say.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/26/2010 1:50:54 PM
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Ps103
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Speaking strictly for myself here (ie, not saying I am "right" and anyone else is "wrong") I find it extremely disconcerting when someone dumps their whole life story on me immediately and when they are through, I have no energy left to say much at all, because all that information coming at me all at once really makes me...need a lie down. Now, as to the "I do not see us ever dating, but I would like for us to be friends," that sounds to me like "I do not want us to part on bad terms, but I am not interested in a relationship with you." I would not have taken that as in invitation to share our life histories, be walking buddies or someone to call when I have a bad day so they can cheer me up. I would take it as code for "smile and make small talk when we are in the same place, but don't expect anything from me and I won't expect anything from you." I have seen this come from males to females and females to males, so I don't think it is a gender-specific "line," but it is a line nonetheless, and one that is widely used. It sort of means "back off," but in a less aggressive way. I also would not advise anyone to tell someone they have romantic interest in them that they would like to pursue unless the other person has given them an indication that the interest is mutual. That makes things extremely awkward for the uninterested person.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/26/2010 4:34:20 PM
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mj2008
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It seems like the OP did not dump her whole life story on this person over night. She did mentioned she knew this guy for around 1 year and a half. The problem is that we need to accept that there is something mysterious that happens between a man and a woman that is difficult to put in to words. Two people just click and it works. This guy is not interested and telling the OP he wants to be friends is just him being polite. True friendships are not that difficult. I would suggest finding female friends. In the future let a man pursue you and guard your heart. Seek God for confirmation. Don't stop being your sweet self just becareful who you share your heart with.
_____________________________
I love Jesus!!!
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/26/2010 7:41:23 PM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 62
Joined: 3/15/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103 Speaking strictly for myself here (ie, not saying I am "right" and anyone else is "wrong") I find it extremely disconcerting when someone dumps their whole life story on me immediately and when they are through, I have no energy left to say much at all, because all that information coming at me all at once really makes me...need a lie down. Now, as to the "I do not see us ever dating, but I would like for us to be friends," that sounds to me like "I do not want us to part on bad terms, but I am not interested in a relationship with you." I would not have taken that as in invitation to share our life histories, be walking buddies or someone to call when I have a bad day so they can cheer me up. I would take it as code for "smile and make small talk when we are in the same place, but don't expect anything from me and I won't expect anything from you." I have seen this come from males to females and females to males, so I don't think it is a gender-specific "line," but it is a line nonetheless, and one that is widely used. It sort of means "back off," but in a less aggressive way. I also would not advise anyone to tell someone they have romantic interest in them that they would like to pursue unless the other person has given them an indication that the interest is mutual. That makes things extremely awkward for the uninterested person. We've had conversations with plenty of substance. I've posted about this guy before....short re-cap: -We attend the same church-Met 2 years ago-He found me physically attractive the day we met and inquired about me to another brother-he joins me and a close family for my b-day lunch a month later,however, he doesnt say a word to me the entire time-I get upset because I didnt understand why he accepted the invitation only to behave the way he did by not speaking-he tells me that same day "Im not looking for a relationship, but I find you physically attractive" (this leaves me confused & for year he tells me that we can not hang out one-on-one because of the physcial attraction)Fastfoward one year(last summer) he asks me for a kiss-I tell him that I dont think it's fair because I wanted a relationship-he says that he can not give me a relationship- we end up kissing twice that summer- he then tells me that we cant do that anymore and he thinks we should just be friends and he wants me to call on him as my brother in Chrsit when I have a heavy heart or having a bad day-he starts acting funny afterwards-it hurt me deeply-I withdrew from one of the ministries that we both serve on and stop speaking to him-he sends me a text reminding me "Satan loves to isolate us. Dont let him win. Dont withdraw from fellowship"- My response"I love fellowshiping, however, you no longer speak to me face-to-face and that hurts me and it's hard to fellowship and watch you hold conversations with all of the other sisters except me"-that's when he begins to say "well our conversations just dont flow like everyone elses".... I try to accept that he doesnt want to date, but for me, that means that I cant be his friends, Ive told him this. He also came over to my apartment a month ago to help me move. He was there for 6 hours (just the 2 of us) and we laughed and talked the entire time. We've spoken on the phone for hours at a time over the past 2 years. (not regularly because I dont feel I have the liberty to call him, so therefore, I never initiate our phone conversations) But when I tell him I can't be friends with him right now his response was "I think you're overreacting and being stubborn. You'll see that once we become friends, you're feelings for me will begin to die down" I text him regularly and he always responds. He has never blown me off. But he also knows that I want more. I comunicated that to him from day one.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/26/2010 8:16:33 PM
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mj2008
Posts: 108
Joined: 4/16/2010
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This guy does not care for you and he is very selfish. I know you are having a hard time staying away from him and you must be getting something from this unhealthy relationship. Just know that God has something greater for you and is definitely not this. I hope you can understand that a man who loves the Lord and who is mature in Christ would not do this to you. you must guard your heart and stay away from him. I will pray for you, that you would realize that not all men behave this way. No wonder you are so confused. I would pray that you would draw closer to Christ and let Him guide your path even in this. Is there someone in your church who you can be accountable to about this relationship. Don't give away your kisses to this man who does not value them or your intimate thoughts to him either. he does not deserve them.
_____________________________
I love Jesus!!!
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/26/2010 10:05:48 PM
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Ps103
Posts: 13206
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Um...excuse me for saying this, but that guy is a wad who is just stringing you along because having someone with a crush on him, even though he isn't interested, is good for his ego. This has nothing to do with conversations. He has used you before, hurt you, then made you feel guilty for backing away. Back away from him. Far away. He does not have your best interests at heart.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/26/2010 10:09:51 PM
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gralan
Posts: 2272
Joined: 1/29/2010
From: RV in Texas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103 Um...excuse me for saying this, but that guy is a wad who is just stringing you along because having someone with a crush on him, even though he isn't interested, is good for his ego. This has nothing to do with conversations. He has used you before, hurt you, then made you feel guilty for backing away. Back away from him. Far away. He does not have your best interests at heart. Wow, I'm not going near the first part of that at all. Whew. But I agree with the advice -- In Bible terms: you do not want to go back to Egypt, keep moving forward to the promised land.
_____________________________
suffering servant, gralan, BTh student TGSAT //TrinityTheology.org/ //freecourses.trinitytheology.org/ The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever...
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/27/2010 12:14:27 AM
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mec
Posts: 511
Joined: 7/6/2005
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i say ditto to saved, being open and honest, from the get go is fine. although some guys are not as open as me, or as saved said he is as well. its getting to know what that person is like his personality, which you will get to know in the first 10 minutes of talking to him.
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RE: Conversation Boundaries? - 7/27/2010 8:55:16 AM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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Please get away from him. He wants kisses now but no relationship but what if that escalates? You said he found you attractive and by his lack of communication with you it may be thats all he wants from you. By wanting kisses outside of a relationship, that is something no God man would do. He uses manipulative controlling words, and he is sucking you dry. Please, don't let this go further. There are better men out there, and there is one man that God has for you. Pray for your future husband, let HIM pursue you. Giving yourself away like that will only hurt him.
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